and so ends another year. damn. good-bad news: my boss is unbearable and i feel in the verge of a burnout (which i think it's something people who have actively burnt out say. nothing to worry about i'm sure !). so i quit the day after christmas! thank fucking god (said with the exact tone of fraxiom in food house's tenth track, metal). i'm fine financially but of course commissions help, since i won't go looking for a new job anytime soon (i'm not strong enough + wanna focus on my scholarly monk era), and i'll have some fixed expenses because...
objectively-good news: at the eleventh hour i got my grubby hands on some t gel. you heard me babey: hrt be upon me, two weeks as of posting this (january 3rd). could have done it before, one of the multiple times i opened the pharmacy website and hovered the mouse of the add to cart button, but that's beside the point! i uhh dunno what i'm gonna do once The Effects start to show but that's still at least a couple of months away probably. rn it's a lot more psychological (i feel a much earned sense of peace and relief, with a slight side of horny. and i think it shows and maybe that's what gave me the confidence to just fucking quit. well not the horny part probably). maybe also a bit of a sore throat from my vocal chords? that feels like placebo / coincidence (and i wore my voice ragged on the new year's eve friend trip lmao), though i think i am more comfortable with the lower pitches of my range. idk i'm not tracking anything. if you see me irl and notice changes uhh let me know.
art
painting the background as if it were traditional work was stupid and time consuming but i really wanted the texture as opposed to the flatness of filling it in by bucket. it's not the first time i do it, but this time it's quite a focal point, instead of simply me trying to add more texture to the plain background in a commission for example. it's a pretty direct result from my tanguy study last month, and the acrylic on canvas pre-study-thing. since there's no way to mimic the way light hits physical brushstrokes, using plain white-ish still looks flat, hence me shifting hue and brightness (though i could have made it less saturated and lower contrast). the digital process still forces the movements themselves to be different (i used a lot of straight back and forth lines for example, like with pencil), but i'm never really aiming for that sort of medium realism anyway. that's why i used pixel brushes and #0000ff in the first place.
two flight rising sketches for flipnote and large respectively; trying to get back into that.
and last but certainly not least: whale fall fursona. design needs some tweaking (i think the torso needs to be longer) also idk anything about whale anatomy so that skull is dubious. but anyway they’re a zombie being actively eaten and also an ecosystem. yes the animals consuming them are also part of them. don’t think too hard about it.
i'm also working on a vampire yuri interactive fiction (haven't decided if a visual novel or just text), for the queer vampire jam. the script is all planned out but has big big holes where i just... didn't write anything yet ♡. but submissions close on feb 20th so i have plany off time. it's a retelling of a specific section of carmilla, bertha's story, where i'm just doing whatever i want including hitting carmilla with the transmasc lesbian beam. i don't think it'll be very good, but i really wanna join. i'll keep you posted ^_^
and along with that, i'm planning on giving myself a bit of a self guided study curriculum because i have no idea where to start with my masters project. i intend on making 2024 a year of monastic unemployment, maybe i'll do that seasons and months thing for new years resolutions. i think i'll be able to put at least a few ducks in a row. for starters, i wanna practice working with scale; i'm dying to take a break from digital art tbqh i am aching and yearning to work outside this cramped little world.
media
games
sethian (2016): i'm pretty sure the "good ending" is bugged in this game, at least through wine on linux. it's a neat concept and execution, even if the story is plain. it's difficult and maybe not necessarily a good game, but it's worth checking out, especially if you're a nerd of my stripe. i liked this video, which i used to actually see the hard ending
lunacid (2023): it's been out of early access for a bit, but i only got around to the new stuff / beating it now. this game is really nice, i love its design philosophy. i wouldn't call it player-hostile at all, but it is a bit mischevious. it could make things easier for you but it won't. you can cast a spell that kills you instantly. there's a reference to morrowind's iconic scrolls of icarian flight and it's pretty handy. mw comparison is apt too because i play it in a very similar mindspace. time flies, i love its """ugly""" graphics, creepy dungeon crawling, gentle jank feeling. mwah! (also yes, i do own dread delusion too. i'll get to it) i'm a wimp when it comes to like. hard things in games in general but i'd like to 100% it. also this game needs an old school gamefaqs guide so bad someone really ought to look into it (not me though i get lost all the time and the game is fairly long) (← i'm always saying this)
mothered (2021): had to stop playing because it was too scary. mixed two of my worst fears in fact: unstable framerate and hidden object style pixel hunting. no joke. i really admire enigma studios' visual style, their games are gorgeous, but being unable to keep a steady 30fps (i capped it!) at the lowest quality and resolution of 360x480 is unthinkable. my computer isn't particularly weak, it's packing 8gb ram and made in the last five years it should be fine yknow. well not to mention how hard that orchard minigame is when you're struggling against low res and/or jittery framerate. so yeah. quit for now
picayune dreams (2023): yayyyyy !!! good for my brain. i'm not fond of vampire survivors but the 5-ish minute timer between bosses, and the bosses themselves, and a sense of story progression really makes the game feel a lot less like cookie clicker. i'm kinda bad at it so i haven't ever reached the third boss yet, but it's been great :)
ultrakill (early access) (2020-): god i can feel new serotonin receptors being born whenever i play this game. it's insanely good we all know that. i finally bought it (i pirated but always intended to get it before the full release) for violence's release and it was so worth it. violence is an extremely good layer, all the levels feel super fresh and you can always tell there's been a lot of love put into the game. it's hard as hell too, there were a couple segments i lowkey hated doing but i don't blame it on the game i blame it on me being a bitch baby who kept pressing E instead of R. my first run took me i think an hour and a half total when S ranks are around 20 ish minutes so i better get to work on improving my scores. at least i've been getting some Ps on early levels. OH and it's scawy too! mannequins (in general) aren't particularly scary imo but the way they move and sound and their lore... i did get jumpscared the first time one came at me. i love you ultry...
movies and series
game of thrones (2011-2019): finished the first season. and hmmmmm might watch the next one too... i love these characters and wanna reap allll the tragedies the first season / book sow..... and also... my favorite characters the narrative doesn't care about.... brienne of tart... asha greyjoy....
psycho (1960): funny how that one scene is so iconic that i didn't even really know what the movie was about. i'll say. norman bates has such fox mulder vibes somehow. and i mean yeah of course it's good. movie that comes with an ending explained video tacked in. i will be watching the sequel because i'm terribly curious about it, conceptually.
knife + heart (2018): terrific movie. man i miss watching giallo — this one even has the experience of having few seeders (i watched it on mubi, just days before it left — thanks mubi for sending an email if a movie on your watchlist is about to get removed). it sucks that they went with a 'disfigured' killer though.
skinamarink (2022): tried again. if you follow a lot of horror people like i do you know this Thee horror movie for a couple months yadda yadda. scariest movie of the year i saw it called even. i stopped like 15 minutes in my first time so i was willing to give it the benefit of the doubt. i had to come back and see the whole thing for myself or i'd never have peace as a horror fan. well having watched the whole thing: YEAH IT'S STILL FUCKING BORING CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. i felt pranked on my first go, still feeling pranked now. i can commend experimental cinema obviously but i found this movie impossible to connect to. like this may strike some as odd but i find staring at grainy still shots of walls and doors boring as all hell. like i'm genuinely 100% willing to believe the buzz was all a practical joke i didn't get. sorry if i'm being too mean. it's just that usually with movies that get praise but i hate (like midsommar) i can see something, anything, that would lead someone to enjoy it but like come the fuck on. i'm not someone to knock a piece of horror as being bad for having "cheap jumpscares" but i think this is the one movie where this 100% applies. yknow those 2000s screamers where it's a car going down a peaceful mountain and then "WAHH! LOUD AND CREEPY!"? that's honestly the closest thing to this movie. i'm sorry. i'm sorry but look into your heart and know that i'm right.
friday the 13th (1980): oooo it's neat. i liked the pacing, the counselors getting picked off one by one without anyone finding the bodies for so long... also unrelated but i really noticed here and on psycho just the quality of the clothes. one of the guys wears a plaid shirt and you can see such a nice back dart giving it a trim fit at the waist... the shoulder tucks at one fo the woman's blouse... very pretty stuff, and the 80s were no handmade clothing heaven.
friday the 13th part 2 (1981): starting on a long ass flashback sequence is a Choice for a movie released just a year after the first one, which had a very straightforward plot. eh whatever at least it's out of the way and doesn't hurt the pacing. i just had a slightly hard time getting into it because my neighbours were blasting music the whole afternoon and i hope they die, but the movie is comfy. i've never camped in my life but i think it's a lovely setting for horror, it's cozy. honestly wholesome even whatever that means. nice movie, nice sequel.
books and manga
DNF caliban and the witch (silvia federici): i'm sure it's very good and insightful but it's very dense and i wasn't really processing anything at all. stopped at around 30% after a week because it was just too hard to get through
knights of sidonia (tsutomu nihei): reading it sooo slowly but tbh the chapters are quite long. i only have on volume to go too. at around the halfway point i really started liking it better than at the beginning. pleasantly horny biomecha at times, shame it's still cishet. like the romcom harem-esque aspects (really) can be fun and cute, or super grating. guy crushing on a monstrous hybrid is always a win, but i haaaate jealousy plots with a passion. also yuhata is definitely into izana and not tanikaze. get real. all in all honestly just give this story to a weird transgender. fighting for my life
chromophobia (david batchelor): sadly it's all over the place. it's a great premise and there's plenty of interesting examples, arguments and analyses, but little payoff to anything, it's pretty unfocused. i kept thinking that i'd much rather read one-off essays or articles on the subject instead, each following a line of thought yknow.
revolutionary girl utena (chiho saito & be-papas): a manga series i couldn't find online but managed to get in its entirety for a reasonable price? unheard of. well, i'm still missing the two adolescence volumes but i also found them and have them bookmarked and they should hopefully stay put for a bit (showing some financial restraint). anywayyy the anime's aesthetics and soundtrack make such a difference in vibe... missing them. it's interesting that we get utena's internal monologue in the manga, making her less narrative vehicle and more character. does this make sense? the anime feels more abstract, duels more ritualistic. the art style is obviously very nice (i love the bonus illustrations — though my edition is monochrome —, like look at this). chuchu is at his cutest here too, most shaped little guy of all time. but uh yeah that's kinda where my praise is? the story is tighter and some of the differences are interesting (not "better than the anime", just different, which i like! i like the eva rebuilds!), but it's unbearably heterosexual tbh. they fucking straightwashed juri my friend juri.
tower dungeon (tsutomu nihei): ok so no one was gonna tell me this started coming out in october. vile snakes the lot of you. well hard to judge with just two chapters but it seems great so far.
not gonna do a favorite media list this year... idk not really in the mood... sorry... just read ted chiang and watch lake mungo. my final message.
